First published in the September 2014 issue of Street Machine

To the death!” yells The Sarge, as our ED Falcon rams a busted-up HG Holden interceptor, spinning it out of control. Pyro steers us across the dark paddock sideways, and we laugh it up as we can hardly see through the mist and dust. Suddenly there isn’t any earth under us – bang! The ED has ended up nose-first in the dam, my forearm is smashed and The Sarge looks like he’s copped a saucepan to the head.

Welcome to the Haulass Hoedown, held in the middle of Street Machine heartland in rural Victoria. Staged by a small car club known as TB 3%, it is an invite-only, Mad Max-themed deal held on private property, well away from the prying eyes of do-gooders and whistleblowers. There are only two rules:

• All cars must be removed from the site in the morning
• No sooks allowed

Over a massive patch of desolate land, the TB President has painstakingly laid out a racetrack based on an overseas F1 circuit. I’d arrived just before lunch to find a bunch of beaten-up cars duelling in the dust, snaking around the massive track. Loads of power isn’t important here, only driving skill and finesse.

The President introduces me to Doggy. He’s an important guy; as well as building tough motors for the district, he is the boss of the beer truck. It’s time for some drag racing, so he drives the truck out to the start of the strip and we settle in to watch the action. Some interesting match-ups ensue, with three- and sometimes four-across racing throughout the afternoon.

As the sun starts to set and the mist rolls in, someone yells: “Get the jump going before we can’t see the action.” So we head over to the far side of the field where the jump has been fashioned. While some guys drift past it in a cloud of dust, others really kick it in the guts and try to make the jump.

The President reckons 100 clicks is the optimum jump speed, as “it makes for a smooth landing”. The most impressive jump goes to The Manginator, who launches his Camira junker high into the air.

As we’re all laughing at the sight, the HG interceptor emerges from the mist, its body and paint looking very second-hand. Wheelman Jack gets out of the driver’s seat and pulls a large box labelled ‘Nitrous Kit’ from the boot. He proceeds to try and install the kit into the shagged old six-pot, running the lines through some rust holes in the firewall. As the light fades and darkness descends in the empty paddock, someone suggests that perhaps he might have picked a better-lit place to attempt such a feat.

We make our way back to the main base for some home-cooked game meat and a massive fire to keep warm. As the night’s action slows down, Doggy stumbles up to The President: “Some bugger has pinched my Esky!” The guys try to calm Doggy down but he’s not having a bar of it. After much searching, the elusive Esky is finally located… in the beer truck. It seems poor Doggy has fallen victim to the very beer he had been hauling around all day.

All of a sudden – boom! Resident explosives expert Rocket has kicked off the fireworks. Rocket by name, rocket by nature. This guy does it all: crackers, fireworks, flamethrowers. He puts on a good show all night – a fitting end to the day’s carnage. He’s also a pretty handy guy to have around a wasteland if you need to remove an old tree stump or a stubborn bovine – or an ED Falcon stuck in a dam.

1. The vehicle with best power-to-weight ratio was Doraj Nildrag’s 351 Clevo-powered buggy. Usually a skilled driver, Dwarfie Bryant drove the buggy into the dam, where it met its demise.

2. Award for the most impressive car went to Paj and Painter’s EL, a genuine one-owner Sapphire model that you could argue belonged in a museum. The boys painted it Mad Max style, put in a high-impact windscreen and chucked some thin space-savers on the front with re-grooved all-terrains on the rear. The EL copped a hiding until a slight overheating issue curtailed further adventures.

3. After his red Corona bit the dust early, The Manginator went to a mate’s place and stole his dad’s Camira. It was left used and abused after doing a few massive jumps.

4. Professor Bong Box cut some sweet laps in his Cortina, which was lovingly prepared and refurbished by Compound Racing.

5. The white VN wagon with no front bar was driven by The President; its motor was built by Doggy.

6. Lucky Phil bought a Sonata for the Hoedown. It was on song at 7800rpm nearly all day, until he smashed the clutch when he rammed another car. The boys gave it a good send-off though, jamming an oil bottle on the throttle that melted the engine in under four minutes!