First published in Van Wheels #11 magazine, June 2015

It’s Wednesday morning, and it’s pissing down. Given I have a 1000km road trip ahead of me, this is a disappointing development, but I remain sanguine, allowing only a mildly irritated bellow of “Stinking bloody stupid bollocky poo-bum rain!” to escape my lips. I’m nothing if not mature, and besides, I’m about to hit the (wet) road for the 40th Australian Van Nationals in Bathurst, the culmination of many months’ hard work and van prep, and I’m not about to let a little April deluge stop me.

The lead-up has been crazy. There’s been numerous last-minute scrambles to hit deadlines, not to mention a couple of 11th-hour mechanical issues with my Valiant van, Disturbia, which decided to spit a tappet cover gasket, pop the brake booster then crack the oil filter block on its 318.

But now everything is ready, and all roads lead to Bathurst. My good mate and vanning virgin, Paul, is riding shotgun and we’re tripping in convoy with seasoned high-roofers Garry and Donna in their Yellow Crush HJ and Flash and Suzy in the surfie-muralled Big Swell HX.

We clear Brissie with minimal fuss, though we pull some crazy looks in the peak-hour crawl. It’s funny, street machines and hot rods always create a buzz, but vans are something else again. People lose their shit – especially kids – when you lob into a servo or idle through a small town. And best not to pick your nose behind the wheel, as there’s always someone nearby taking a pic or video.

We hook up with fellow old-school van tragics Pete and Matt in Warwick, and have a trouble-free run. Well, apart from a B-double running hot in the gravel and showering our vans in an innovative new paint formula I believe is called ‘Stone Chip Metallic’. Flash cops a cracked windscreen, so it clearly works a treat.

No matter; the Easter migration is in full swing and it’s not long before we’re waving to EHs, Studebakers and hot rods all making a beeline for their own National events.

An overnighter in Dubbo makes for a short stretch to Bathurst on the Thursday, and it’s hard not to get excited. I spot a green Sandman on the main drag, a yellow WB in the car wash and a blown XB on a trailer – yep, we’re in the right place.

The showgrounds are filling nicely and vanners are milling around setting up camp, detailing their rides or just catching up with friends.

Holy shit, that’s Street Legal! In the flesh! My inner nine-year-old kicks in and I start to feel less like a gumby-headed stepchild, which is how one tends to feel when arriving in a van at a ‘normal’ car show.

I take a wander through one of the sheds and spot Keith and Donna Richardson hard at work detailing their cool HJ, which they’ve dubbed Vanpyre. “I had a Chevy Van model as a kid called Vanpyre,” Keith says. “The name’s been kicking around in my brain ever since and the first thing we did when we bought this van was to buy the plates!” It began life as a genuine HJ Sandman that scored a full bare-chassis two-year rebuild and runs a healthy 383 small-block Chev backed by a Turbo 400.

It looks stunning in factory Mandarin Red with the appropriately themed murals. “The artwork has evolved over the past two years,” Donna explains. “We’ve changed a couple and added more. It’s the handiwork of Jamie at Creative Works in Perth.” Keith and Donna made the long haul over from the west, and they’ll end up scoring Runner-Up in Vanners’ Choice for their troubles. I, like many others, are gobsmacked when they don’t rate a mention in the Top 10 or Paint categories.

Friday kicks off with more blasted rain, but it thankfully buggers off after lunch, and with the Nationals now officially underway, entrants are left to enjoy an impromptu mural show or take in 40 years of Australian vanning history with the indoor memorabilia display. Cabinets full of photos and collectibles stretch right back to the first Van Nationals held in Mildura in ’76, while a wall-length banner lists every past Nationals winner and documents hundreds of named Australian panel vans built in the past four decades. A highlight of this year’s event is a spotlight on both vanning legends and legend vans. A who’s who of old-school vanners are in attendance and so are a number of iconic builds – Innervisions, Jade, Proc’s J and Street Legal are all present and correct and are pored over by both young and old. I’m pretty bloody starstruck, and make sure I take the opportunity to stalk the old-time builders for photos and quiz them on the early days of vanning.

A light and sound show from some of the vans rounds out Friday evening’s activities, and man, do some of these people go to town! Daz Launer’s Highway Menace Transit van is one of the best in this regard, and is likely to cause retina damage or induce an epileptic fit if you stare too long.

Easter Saturday is traditionally cruise time, and to coincide with Bathurst’s bicentennial celebrations, a mega-van convoy around Mount Panorama is organised as a lunchtime entertainment for the Bathurst Motor Festival.

The accursed drizzle is back, but the wet conditions don’t deter nearly 200 vans from hitting the track for an awesome once-in-a-lifetime spectacle. Vans of every size, style and colour cross the starting grid and loop their way ’round the mountain like a big-arse game of Snake.

Bathurst finally turns on some frigging sunshine for show day on Sunday, with a huge turnout of vans and fans through the gates. This year the award classes are divided into three categories – Show, Semi-Show (nil undercarriage judging) and Lifestyle (nil undercarriage and engine bay judging) – a masterstroke on the part of the organisers that allows everyone to compete on a level playing field instead of pitching street-driven vans against elite-level builds. The halls are reserved for the Show Class entrants and a few promoters’ choice vans, allowing the big guns to create some awesome displays.

Frits Pel’s XC Falcon, Jaffa, has come along in leaps and bounds over the past few years and was displayed amongst myriad memorabilia to match its movie theme. A well-deserved Top Display and Best Murals are his first catch, while a 2nd Top Van berth behind Gary Scicluna’s all-conquering Skid Row Escort leaves Frits with an ear-to-ear grin.

Russell Slocombe’s Red Baron Escort scoops third spot, with Al Bennett’s Brutle Holden and James Ellis’s Jade rounding out the Top Five.

Sunday night’s memorabilia auction is MCed by none other than vanning legend John Strachan, who works the crowd and adds to the nearly $12K raised by the organisers to assist a number of local charities.

As Monday dawns, it’s time to reflect on an awesome weekend and squeeze in a few more laps of Mount Panorama before hitting the road. It’s always a sombre feeling, heading home, and a flat tyre in Coonabarabran sure doesn’t help. Of course it’s one of the tall-arse rear treads that’s busted, which means shuffling tyres around to ensure the thing drives straight. But the vanning spirit again comes to the fore with a couple of Majestic Vanners stopping to help with the switcheroo before the rain hits – mates for life.

One thing is for certain, panel vans are back – more than 250 entrants and 200 vans on show are proof that it’s again their time to shine. Sure, it may not have the cubic lairiness of the early years, back when more was more, but I reckon vanning has matured, and unlike back in the 80s, when we saw the mass saturation and subsequent near-immediate exodus of velvet and ’glass, this time it’s here to stay. Long may it prosper!

HIGHLIGHTS:

1. Paul Murray’s Iron Man HR took out Top Engineered and 9th Top Van, following a frenzied cleaning session by Paul and good mate Brett Hanna after Saturday’s wet mountain cruise. A Nationals winner back in ’91 under the guise of Badass, Paul’s HR sees regular street use in his hometown of Brisbane, attracting many admirers with its candy red paint, flip front-housed small-block Chev and chromed Jag rear.

2. Ian Saxby’s gorgeous grey HD van dropped many jaws throughout the course of the weekend and was a worthy recipient of Eddie Ford’s Superstars Award and 3rd Vanners’ Choice. The X2-spec detailing to the 179 donk and red interior is immaculate, and is the only car I’ve seen that makes speckle-coat in the cargo area look cool.

3. Col and Michelle Wildman’s tough-looking Concorde replica attracted a solid crowd all weekend. Based on the Arcadipane-designed Ford show van of the late 70s, the Concorde body kit was sold in reasonable numbers but is a rare bit of gear these days. The frontal treatment was later branded into the history books by Mad Max and his black Interceptor.

4. Kyle Ford turned a bunch of grown men into giggling schoolboys by bringing Innervisions to the Nats. Built by Craig Godbee 30 years ago, this HX is an Australian vanning icon that still has the kahunas to compete with the best – a 7th Top Van placing for caretaker Kyle certainly reiterates the quality of the original build.

5. A couple that plays together stays together, and Toowoomba’s Bill and Chris Dowton have taken that concept one step further with his ’n’ her vans. “Mine’s an original XX7 HJ Sandman running a 308 and four-speed,” Chris says. “It’s called Sku’ya, which is Lakota Indian for ‘sweet thing’.” Bill’s purple HQ, dubbed Endless Nights, has been updated with VN SS injected running gear.

6. Currently owned by Brett and Mandy Hansford, the legendary Street Legal is still wowing punters after 30 years.

7. Top Paint and Frank Lee’s Choice Award were serious feathers in the cap for Esperance, WA vanner Russell Hulm. “I’m totally stoked,” he says. “As a spray painter by trade it’s a real honour to be recognised this way. My van makes for a pretty good resume!” Kameleon was a bare-bones, commercial-spec WB when saved from the wreckers back in 2002, and has been treated to a 355-cube stroker Holden and Turbo 400 combo.

8. Gary Scicluna took out the hat-trick, winning Australia’s Top Van for the third year running with his amazing blue Escort, Skid Row (SM, Sep ’14). Top Motor/Drivetrain and Top Small Van were also worthy additions to the kitty, and the Esky looked sweet cracking laps of Mount Panorama on Easter Monday. “I’m going to have a few months break before heading to the Adelaide Hot Rod Show in November,” Gary says. “I’d love to show it in New Zealand too but that’s a bit of a pipedream financially at this stage.”

9. Keith and Donna Richardson’s outrageous HJ, Vanpyre, was runner-up in Vanners’ Choice, though we reckon the incredible mural work deserved a placing in the Paint category.

10. Port Macquarie’s Al Bennett has owned his green HZ, Brutle, for a few decades, with its latest build featuring a blown small-block and massive tubs. Not only did the aptly named beast take home 4th Top Van, it also scored Toughest Van, Steve Abbott’s Choice Award and 2nd Top Motor/Drivetrain.

WINNERS ARE GRINNERS:

1. Gary Scicluna SKID ROW
2. Frits Pel JAFFA
3. Russell Slocombe RED BARON
4. Al Bennett BRUTLE
5. James Ellis JADE
6. Colin & Annette Proctor PROC’S J
7. Kyle Ford INNERVISIONS
8. Susan Kelley THE LAST STAND
9. Paul Murray IRON MAN
10. Steven & Paula Adnum CRYSTAL WIZARD