First published in the June 2015 issue of Van Wheels

Born in a doghouse, raised in a van, the Dogman has been around sin bins since their sordid beginnings. Ever since their sad retreat from popularity, the Dogman has kept a Thorn Colourvision-lit vigil, patiently anticipating the panel van’s inevitable return to street machining glory.

The journey has been long, the wait arduous, but with the power of will alone (and beer), Dogman’s patience has been rewarded: Van Wheels 11 is here, and vanning is officially back!

So what better time to seek out the visionary himself to discuss the best and worst vans of all time. Bathed in the warming glow of a VHS copy of Running On Empty, Dogman treated us to his razor-sharp analysis – testament to years of research and knowledge – while his fiercely held, take-no-prisoners opinions were solid gold.

Okay Dogman, you cut your teeth on Holdens; it’s time to look back at their old-school models. What do you make of the low-roof FJ to FC vans?

[Ignores the question] Have a look at this photo, Dave [shows me a photo of his crew parked prominently outside the Seacliff Hotel] – a moment in time.

I can see your club is mainly HQ to HZ models. Have you got any FBs or EKs in your crew?

[Springs across the shed with gusto] We’ll have to consult the archive! [Grabbing a few copies of Van Wheels, Dogman returns to place a friendly arm around my shoulder] You feeling it? You’re in a time warp, Dave. Because, like, you’re surrounded by a cool ride and the Van Wheels and Custom Vans magazines. You feel that?

I’m feeling it, Dogman. Okay, so I have to ask, the HQ-HZ shape included the Sandman and Holden’s Sea Witch show car; is it the ultimate van?

The ultimate van is [pauses at length, considering his answer carefully]… the ultimate van is the van you love cruising in.

That’s reasonable.

See, Jimmy [vanner James Ellis] would say that and make me say it too. I reckon the ultimate van is, well, a Holden, a V8, a street machine; just a sweet ride and a smooth cruiser. That’s just me, Dave.

I’m just straight Holden, Dave. The ultimate van is, if I had to answer that like Jimmy would, umm, the ultimate van is the sweet ride you like cruising in. [Long pause] That’s what Jimmy would say and he’s got Bad Company and Jade [notably a Ford and a Holden respectively]; he’s from Victoria. That’s what he would say.

But what would you say, Dogman?

I would say [pauses] that it’s just the moment.

You got much of an opinion of the early, lowroof Fords? XK to XP models?

Bah! More Holdens! Get in the car Dave; get in the driver’s seat of the Dogman’s van. It’s like being at the drive-in.

[Getting into Dogman’s magenta Sandman] What about the XR to XY models? They’re getting pretty rare now, too.

[Casts an eye to Running on Empty, playing on the VHS] We need to make a movie like this but with vans! We’ve got the cars! We could still make that movie!

All right; I mean, the XA to XC models are classics – Aussie-designed, coupe doors and all that. What do you reckon of XAs?

[Abruptly and LOUDLY] AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAPPPPP! Can you NOT use that word in my shed?

What? XAs?

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAPPPPPPPPPPPP! Do not use that word in my shed! I’ve never heard that word in my shed!

What about XBs?

[Pauses in thought] With the 351? Or a 250 or…?

Nah, a proper one; 351 XB, would that be all right? That’s a cool van.

I had a friend that had one.

Are you still friends?

I dunno, he was my mum’s friend and I was 10 so… no.

I think the only time I started coming to the dark side was when I met Jimmy. That’s when I stopped saying how fucked they were and started saying “That’s a nice van!” Jimmy’s mate was like: “How can you like Jimmy’s van but you don’t like Fords?” And I said: “Coz Jimmy knows all about respect,” and Jimmy gives me a hug and his mate says: “You’re all right, Dogman.”

What about XCs?

That’s what I like about you Dave, you push the limits.

Dare I ask about the XD to XH Falcons?

No barn doors! Next question!

Valiant show vans punch above their weight for numbers, with only 1959 ever made. Thoughts, Dogman?

[Quoting the line from Running On Empty as it appears onscreen] “Don’t burn the snatch, Kev!” Ha ha! I love that line!

We’d better move on to the full-size vans. The Bedford CF, Dogman?

Dream Warrior, The Beast, Illusion… a decent Beddy is a Holden anyway!

Need I ask about the Transit?

Good commercial vehicle! Has it got barn doors? Bah! [Quoting the movie again] “You tell him Victor was here and he’s running wheels that are ready to race. Okay?” Ha ha, crack-up!

You’ve asked me to bring my V-series HBD Sandman to your next van show; can I bring my Gemini van too?

Ah, they’re a good runaround van. Good for little people and good for those wanting a cheaper option.

So how about the Escort van? Higher roof equals more potential, yeah?

Ah, I can’t say anything about Escort vans, so many good ones – Squirt, The Red Baron. I can’t say anything; Red Baron and Skid Row have scooped the Nats heaps of times. Good vans, but if I had to choose between any of them and my van, I’d choose my van.

AND therein lies the answer. Vanners are a special breed who build special cars to please one person – themselves. There is no one true van; it’s all about your van, your destination and your moment.

As Dogman says: “At a van show mate, it all drops at the gate; we’re all family. And we’re all gonna party with the Dogman!”

Dogman’s Shed:

1. It’s not all panel vans and Ozploitation films in Dogman’s shed; this R2-D2 was made from an old Willow garbage can combined with an upturned wok.

2. Any good South Australian keeps his empties. Worth 10c each at the recycling depot, they don’t take long to add up to a tank of cruising juice!

3. Mum’s old Thorn Colourvision is still going strong; even the sound wasn’t bad for a TV older than this magazine!

4. Dogman’s magenta-coloured pride and joy. “You feeling it? You’re in a time warp,” quoth the great man.

5. Hoodies, beanies, beer and a shed. Dogman and Dave are ready to get serious.

6. Dogman’s infamous bar didn’t get a showing at the 2015 Nats; Dogman was keen, but word is the bar is still recovering from the 2014 event.

7. Every year, Dogman gets a panel van calendar printed at his own expense, selling a few at local parts stores to make some coin back. Once they’re out of date, there’s only one thing for them!